Be With You (Loneliness) Read online

  After ten minutes, we go back out onto the stage and prepare for the second forty-five minute set. This is the one where we play some of our new music that our fans haven't heard yet. A song that I recently wrote is one of the pieces we perform. After our final song, the audience beg for an encore, so we troop back onto the stage and play two pieces which we have selected ahead of time. I feel alive on stage and enjoy performing these last two songs. I spot several friends and family members in the audience and wave. Everyone seems to have had a great time, despite Millie and her groups' best efforts to destroy the concert.

  We find mum, dad, Lizzie and Marcus' parents. Lizzie is sound asleep on my dad's shoulder. I feel Marcus stiffen next to me and look in the direction in which he is staring - Millie is standing, not ten feet away from us. She's just looking at our small group.

  Marcus' parents look at her. Nobody moves.

  Finally, Millie turns and leaves, her back straight and her head high.

  We all walk to the performer's section of the parking lot and dad slips Lizzie into her car seat, buckling her in securely.

  "You lot did a very good job up there, notwithstanding the noise of the protesters. You will get only positive reviews for this," he says.

  "I only wish..."

  "Mum, I know," Marcus says gently. "She's made her choice. All we can do is accept that."

  Ruby sniffs once, holding back her tears.

  I feel for her. Really. Millie is her only daughter. But I have to protect my family, too. I put my hand on my stomach, thinking of the growing little pea pod inside of me.

  It is Monday, and we have been clipping reviews from all the papers. By all accounts, the concert was a huge success! The city's accountants are still counting all the money raised from ticket, food and drink sales. We should know in a few days how much has been raised.

  I find myself reading accounts of the concert and the protest, held just beyond the stage area. Uniformly, all the papers treat the protest and the church group harshly. Given that The Lonely Lovers put on a concert that helps the homeless, particularly during the cold winter months, the reports are justified. The truth is, I am thinking that this benefit should become an annual thing - why help groups in need only once? Why not hold a concert every year and benefit the homeless more consistently? Something good can come out of all this.

  I raise this thought in the meeting on Monday, and my thoughts are well-received.

  "Would we want to benefit the homeless only or any groups in need of help?"

  "Why don't we discuss this with the mayor?" I ask. "He could tell us more about what is needed."

  "One good thing is that you already have the basics in place for an annual benefit concert, so you won't have to do nearly as much work as you did for this year's concert," Marcus points out. "When you talk to the mayor, find out if Saint Albans would want to commit itself to an annual concert - my guess is he will say yes."

  Instead of practicing, we go over all that happened in our performance. We do this after every performance - kind of a debriefing that shows us where things went well and where we can do better. We finish just after noon and go home.

  After feeding Lizzie and putting her down for a nap, we attend to the emails and voice mail messages. One of these is from the city's accountant - the concert drew several thousand pounds! This money will be used to buy blankets, coats, shoes, gloves and mittens for the homeless! If there is anything left after buying these items, it will be deposited into an interest-bearing account so more items can be bought as needed. Oh, my God! This is much better than even I expected! I tell Marcus and his eyes go round.

  "Jo, you and The Lonely Lovers will have to do an annual concert now! Every summer!"

  I agree. This could be the start of something great.

  Marcus, Lizzie and I go to the maternity shop - by now, I need to buy maternity clothing - I cannot fit into my regular clothing any more. We find several cute maternity outfits to supplement the maternity clothing I already have from being pregnant with Lizzie.

  That weekend, Marcus' mum and dad call us, asking if they can come out and talk to us. We set up a day and time to get together.

  On the day when Ruby and Andrew have asked to come by, we cook a meal for the five of us. I make my special roasted turkey and vegetables. Strawberry trifle for dessert. I have a feeling that we are going to need some comfort food to get us through the evening. I also pull out a couple of bottles of wine in preparation.

  "Mum, dad, come on in. Lizzie's playing in the family room and Johanna's finishing up with dinner preparations," Marcus says.

  They all walk into the family room and kitchen and Lizzie, looking up, smiles widely.

  "Gram! Grampie!" Trotting to them, she gives them a big hug and they give her a small gift bag.

  "Lizzie-girl, what do you say? Before you open the bag, what do you say?" I prompt.

  "Thankyouverymuchgramandgrampie!" After this hurried "thank you," Lizzie tears the bag open and nearly dives into it, so eager is she to see what is inside. "Mum! Doll!" Out comes a beautiful doll and she begins turning it this way and that, exploring it.

  Marcus beckons Lizzie to him. "Come here, Lizzie. I can open the package for you." A few minutes later, the doll is free of the hard plastic and Lizzie is happily playing with her newest gift.

  "I hope you don't mind, Jo, but I wanted to distract her so we can talk about...Millie," says Andrew. "We have a fair idea of where all this comes from, but...why? We don't. The concert the other night, when she was looking at us as you put Lizzie into your car...that highlighted the separation between us, and it hurts. We have been reading news accounts in the papers. Her church and group have been treated very harshly in the press. We have been reading these articles and, in every one of them, the group have been described as 'crackpots' and even as a hate group. I don't know the official definition of a hate group, but what concerns me the most is that this group she has started and the U.S. groups to which she has belonged certainly do hate some elements of our society.

  "Johanna, I am the most worried about you. If it is just Millie, that's one thing, although that is bad enough. Millie has always held very strong beliefs and opinions. I am very worried that, now she has this group, Johanna, she - or members of her group here in Saint Albans - could go after you and cause you and our grandchild physical harm. We do not want that. It is scary - it petrifies us. We are just having a hard time believing that our own daughter is mixed up in this...this...horrible group. Now, I am sure Millie has read the same news accounts. This will displease her greatly, to say the least. I'm sure she thinks that her group, beliefs and recent efforts are all justified, so as she reads these articles, I know she becomes angry. And this is just why I am worried. Ruby and I read your newspaper interview, and we watched the television interview. You were...so diplomatic in not putting her or her beliefs down. We know this. But she won't see that. All she will see is that you spoke out to the media, defending The Lonely Lovers. This...could...potentially put you, your unborn child and Lizzie at risk of physical harm. Now, how do you treat her visits?"

  "Dad, we keep that rear gate locked at all times. She has come by on numerous occasions and we have never let her come past that gate. She has tried - the last time was the night before the benefit concert. We ended up calling the police. She...I hate to say this, because she is my sister...but she is not welcome in our house. Given what she has said about Johanna, Lizzie and the baby, I cannot, in good conscience, allow her to be around them," Marcus says.

  "Good. Don't let her in. Under any circumstances. Johanna, you do not go out anywhere without Marcus. How have you handled trips to the shops and taking Lizzie with you?"

  "We have called my mum and she's cared for Lizzie. We felt it was safe when we went to the maternity shop a few days ago..."

  "No, my dear. No more. Millie will be very angry after her group have been kicked about like a football. If she sees you buying groceries, paying bills or buying clothing, I am
afraid that she will go after Lizzie. Keep calling your mum - given that Millie's our daughter, she comes round unexpectedly, so..."

  "We don't allow Millie to have access to Lizzie as it is, dad. Lizzie is afraid of her..."

  "Daddy? No like...auntie," Lizzie says as her lower lip trembles.

  I scoop her up and cuddle her, rocking her in my arms.

  "See? She refuses to be around her auntie," Marcus points out.

  "Andrew, I believe children can pick out the feelings of others and sense when someone doesn't like them. Lizzie is no exception. She has been afraid of a certain someone almost since she met her," I say.

  "Children possess almost a sixth sense," Ruby says. "They know when someone likes them - or not. I...I truly hate to say this, but I don't think Millie likes Lizzie at all."

  "Mum, do you remember the time when Millie grabbed Lizzie out of Johanna's arms? D'you remember Lizzie's reaction?" Marcus asks.

  "Kicking, screaming and fighting. But Millie has brought this upon herself. Nobody did it for her," Ruby says.

  "Marcus, Millie and I spoke just a few days ago. She is talking about returning to the States. She says she doesn't think she can 'do God's work' here because England is just so 'overrun with evil and evil people.' I sat her down and asked her if she would be willing to reconsider her beliefs and attitudes toward others. She asked me to specify what I meant when I said 'others.' I told her lesbians, transgendered and gays, immigrants, minorities and artists. She gave me what I can only describe as a...superior look. Then, she shook her head and said, 'no.' She said these people are all doing Satan's work and they need to be eradicated. I asked her about the groups she belonged to in the U.S., and she told me she still belonged to them. She was very open, saying that the protest and petition are similar to efforts carried out in the States."

  This news chills me. Marcus shows me Internet articles about some of these groups, and some of what they do is...hateful! They protest outside women's health centers, abortion clinics, state legislatures, wherever they believe their message must be heard. I have also heard of "lone wolf" members who have killed doctors who provide abortion services. I begin to feel sick at my stomach.

  Ruby sees me go pale and she runs to the kitchen and gets water for me.

  I accept the glass and drink it, but my body still shakes.

  "D'you think she has the potential to act violently?" I ask. I dread the answer!

  "Jo, I don't know." Marcus lets out a deep sigh. "She's my sister and I still love her. I guess I always will. But, given what she has got herself mixed up in, I just don't trust her or her group of people."

  "Johanna, I hope she doesn't hurt you," says Andrew. "But, honestly, I have been researching these groups. They hold a very literal view of the Holy Bible and they expect everyone to follow their very narrow views. Anyone who does not is seen as disobeying the will of God, and even when these people hold religious views and attend church, they are still seen as disobedient to God's will. I don't want to get too long-winded here, but these groups all believe they have the blessing of God to act out violently against those whom they perceive to be disrespecting the will of God. That would include artists and musicians, of course. No matter that you attend services and are faithful to Marcus - you are an artist, therefore you are separated from God and must be dealt with accordingly. Johanna, I tell you this only so you can protect yourself, the baby and this sweet child here."

  I breathe in and out, forcing myself to breathe from my diaphragm. I have to control my body's reaction! As I am doing so, we hear a now-familiar and very insistent honking.

  Lizzie whimpers and clambers onto Marcus' lap.

  Marcus stands and gives Lizzie to Andrew, saying, "I'll deal with her."

  "Marcus, she's likely to have seen our car. Johanna, here's Lizzie. I'm going out with Marcus to talk to her," says Andrew.

  Lizzie launches herself into my lap, trembling. My heart sinks down and I feel for my baby girl.

  Ruby and I sit inside, listening to what is being said outside.

  "Johanna, if you don't mind, I'll take Lizzie upstairs. She doesn't need to hear any of this. Would you like to come up with us?" Ruby asks.

  "Actually, I'm feeling a little better now. I think I'm going outside with Marcus and Andrew. If you would stay upstairs with Lizzie, I think she'd feel protected..."

  After Ruby and Lizzie go to Lizzie's room, I get my cell phone and walk slowly outside. I feel better, but this doesn't mean that I'm eager to face my sister-in-law. I see Andrew and Marcus standing at the locked gate. Millie is standing on the opposite side of the gate and she is as angry as I have ever seen her!

  "I want to know why you are here, visiting her and her brat! For all you know, the brat in the house and the one she's carrying don't even belong to your son! They may even have different fathers!"

  "Millie, if you would wait, I want to show you something," Marcus says, raising one finger. "Johanna!"

  "I'm fine, sweetheart. I'll go with you, then I'm coming back outside," I say.

  Marcus takes my hand and we walk inside, hand-in-hand. He pulls the paternity test results out of the desk drawer where he put them for safekeeping.

  Back outside, Marcus shows Millie the envelope, with the name of the testing lab plainly printed on the front.

  "Before you go thinking you instilled doubt in my mind about Johanna's faithfulness, know this, Millie: Johanna suggested we do just what you said - get a paternity test and show you the results. I have two tests, one for Lizzie and one for the baby not yet born. D'you remember I asked you if you had ever looked into Lizzie's eyes? If you recognized them? She has the same intense-green eyes that I do. Oh. Before I show this to you, both tests stay in my hands on this side of the gate. I have made copies. Read them."

  Millie's greedy eyes scan through the report. At the bottom, when she reads that there is a "99.999999 percent" chance that Marcus is the father, she flushes a dull red. Marcus pulls out the second paternity testing result. This one is for the baby I am now carrying. As with Lizzie's test, this one reads that there is a "99.999999 percent" chance that Marcus is the baby's father. Millie begins breathing heavily.

  "This means nothing. She got to them and she convinced them to change the test results. She knows when she has it good, and she has it good with you."

  Hah! Little does she know that I had much more money in savings than Marcus when we met and married! I am a well-known musician with platinum hit records. Where does she think we got the money to buy the house we are living in? Not that I don't value my husband and his work, but I make hundred-times over what Marcus makes. We certainly don't live like the millionaires that we are, but Marcus has always been very supportive of me and my career and he doesn't make an issue with the fact that I am the breadwinner of the family. Obviously, Millie doesn't "get" this. She must think I am some little poor rocker chick that mooches off my husband. What a joke!

  Marcus turns and takes my hand and tells Millie exactly would I was just thinking!

  "Millie, you're willing to believe whatever it takes for you to feel good about yourself, and I feel sorry for you. Johanna's band was a big success when we met. Their U.S. tour and European tour, along with their three CDs have been highly successful, so she is actually worth more financially than I am. A lot more! Even though my own earnings as a freelance tech writer have skyrocketed, she is still worth more than I am. And you know what? I don't care about the money...and neither does she. We live comfortably and don't flash our riches like some people do. We are devoted to our family and that is all that matters. What you are doing is hurtful to us. These children are mine. The paternity testing says so. And the fact that Johanna said we should go ahead and have the testing done tells me, more than anything, that she is very secure in her faithfulness to me as her husband. I love her and I am very happy with her. You are not going to break us up. Not today, and not ever. You are not going to be successful in forcing The Lonely Lovers to disband. They are well-know
n all around the world, and fans love them. They have gone triple-platinum on their second CD and are ready to release a third CD. Millie, you have made a very serious mistake in going after the band and my family. I find it especially pathetic that you went after an unborn infant - you, who profess to love God so much. You need to look at your actions, attitudes and behavior. Because they need serious changing. I have researched the groups to which you belonged while you lived in the United States. So has dad. Groups like these have committed murder, claiming it was 'in the name of God.' It is not 'love,' when you target specific groups and go after them because they are different. A case in point is Laslow's friend, Victor. Another - immigrants. Still another - minorities. I get the distinct smell that you pick on groups you perceive to be weaker than you are, and that is not 'love,' Millie. That is hatred and discrimination. You are my sister, and I love you. But I will not stand by and tolerate these actions against me, my wife, or my family. If you don't stop harassing us, I will have to take matters a step further and have restraining order placed against you!"

  As Marcus talks, I watch Millie's face closely. Her normal expression is a "sourpuss." Now, this expression seems to multiply itself - her eyebrows draw down, the lines from her nose to the corners of her mouth deepen and her frown grows progressively darker. Her eyes fasten on me and she allows them to rove over my figure.

  I am wearing a maternity outfit consisting of soft, gray yoga pants and a short-sleeved top that gently drapes over my rounded belly. I now visibly show.

  "I will never believe that this slut conceived either brat with you. Artists are, as a group, immoral and they do what they want when it feels good, no matter that it hurts others. I am sorry, Marcus - sorry that you are allowing this little chippie to pull the wool over your eyes. She is making a mockery of your role as the head of your family, and, when you realize that, don't come to me, because I have already told you so."

  Millie directs her next comments to me.