Be With You (Loneliness) Read online

  "Of course!"

  He keeps me spooned against him and drapes my upper leg over his legs, entering me. This coupling is much slower and more gentle than our first one earlier tonight. Our orgasms are also more gentle, washing over us like warm waves on a Spanish beach. I feel myself throbbing and vibrating around him, and this leads him to come, spilling within me. Again, we fall asleep, cuddling each other.

  We wake up the next morning and I take my shower before I get Lizzie out of bed. Downstairs, I make a bowl of oatmeal and give her a small bowl of cut-up fruit. Marcus offers to supervise her while I get ready for the day's practice. When I come back downstairs, he's grinning widely.

  "Well, you look like you just one the biggest lottery on the planet! What happened?" I ask him.

  "Come look!" Marcus invites me.

  I walk over and he pulls me onto his lap, pointing to the screen of his laptop. What I read makes me gasp - his newest client - the one paying him such high rates - has just placed a huge order with him! I count the number of requested titles the company wants him to write.

  "Marcus! How long with it take you to do all these?" I ask. I nestle comfortably onto his lap, feeling his arm wrapped around my waist.

  "Probably somewhere around two months. That's not all. Look...at...this," he says as he clicks on another screen.

  "Oh, my God! That payment! That's higher than you have ever received to date! Marcus, this is fantastic!"

  "Fantastic, it is, Johanna! And, for the foreseeable future, I will be writing articles for them. As long as we keep our communication channels clear, I will be earning double what I had earned even three months ago!"

  I give him a quick kiss on the cheek. "That's wonderful. I am so proud of you!"

  While we are eating breakfast, Tim calls me.

  "Hey, Jo, no practice today. The city are working on electrical connections on our block and the two surrounding the studio, so we will have no electrical power. I just got a notice about this. You can practice from home," he says.

  "Okay, no problem." After this call, I tell Marcus our plans have changed due to the work the city are doing.

  We stay at home and Marcus takes care of Lizzie while I practice. After that, Marcus gets started on his huge list of orders. That evening, I am about to start on dinner when we hear loud, insistent honking come from the back gate.

  I am afraid I know who is out there. Sighing, I tell Marcus, "I think Millie's out back again."

  "Lord! Keep Lizzie in here. I don't want her exposed to anything Millie might say." He goes outside and walks toward the gate.

  I get a snack for Lizzie to tide her over until dinner is on the table. As I am working on our meal, I hear Marcus' voice going up - he is yelling at Millie. I wonder what she said this time?

  "Lizzie, come with mummy. You'll be able to eat your snack upstairs. Come on, darling!" We walk upstairs and I settle Lizzie in her room with her drink and snack. "I'll check on you every few minutes. Eat slowly and I'll have dinner ready in no time!"

  Back downstairs, I keep working on dinner preparations. I check outside every so often, looking at the scene going on outside.

  Marcus walks in and I see he's still very upset. He pulls a bottle of stout from the cabinet and takes a long pull from it.

  "I'm ready to listen when you're ready to talk. I'm going to check on Lizzie and come back downstairs."

  "Is she upstairs?"

  "Yes. I didn't want her to hear what Millie was going on about, so I took her upstairs," I tell him.

  "You stay here. I will go get Lizzie." After several minutes, Marcus brings a biscuit-smeared Lizzie downstairs, along with a face cloth, which he uses to clean her face.

  "She-With-No-Name is affiliated with an ultra-conservative religious group in the United States," Marcus reveals. "It's glaringly obvious that she's brought these beliefs back with her, and they are infecting her relationship with me, dad, mum and you. Lizzie, as well."

  "Well, given what I've heard her spouting ever since she returned, I am not one whit surprised," I say.

  "I am going to do some research after we've cleaned up in here. I need to know more about this group - I think we are going to need this knowledge so we can protect ourselves and Lizzie. It's going to get much uglier."

  I don't know why this saddens me, but it does. I think about my emotional reaction and realize that I had hoped for a sisterly relationship with Millie. I'm sad because that will not be happening. I realize something, then.

  "Marcus! If she is involved in such a conservative group, movement or whatever it is, do you think she could do anything against The Lonely Lovers?" I ask. I worry about the safety of our group, both as a whole and individually.

  As I look at Marcus, surprise crosses his face. He is silent for several long beats, then he sighs and says, "No."

  But I hear a hesitation in his response - now, I wonder if he is worried about what Millie could do to The Lonely Lover or even individual members of our group.

  I slide the casserole into the oven and straighten up.

  "Your voice said no, but I think you are worried about the prospect. I think we should talk to the band sometime this week and let them know what has been happening."

  Marcus looks down for several seconds. I see sadness in his eyes as he nods and says, "Yes, I think we should."

  That admission, more than anything, scares me. I don't want anything happening to any one of us! The boys are like my brothers and they are either true uncles or honorary uncles to my Lizzie. She adores them! I feel tears threatening, and I don't want Lizzie seeing them. I nestle my face into Marcus' chest and gulp my tears back.

  Marcus feels my emotion. His arms wrap around me securely, helping me feel wrapped in love and safety. He rocks me for several minutes until I calm down.

  After dinner, I go upstairs and bathe Lizzie before putting her to bed. Before I go back downstairs, I change into a light nightgown. I am definitely ready for comfort!

  Marcus is sitting at his computer, peering at the screen. I see him bookmarking several sites.

  "What are you doing?"

  "Come here. I think you should see what I've found," Marcus says.

  Looking at his face, I see a solemn look in his eyes.

  Reading one of the sites, I feel my heart sinking. Apparently, my sister-in-law has got herself mixed up with a group so conservative, they believe that artists, singers, gays, lesbians, and the transgendered and illegal immigrants are evil incarnate.

  "Oh, my God, Marcus! I am so sorry!" I tell him. My hand covers my mouth.

  "Oh, that's not even the worst of it. Read...read this site." Marcus clicks onto another site that includes political beliefs. "My beloved sister was involved in a highly political group that targeted people from these groups. They spoke out against individuals and groups. They targeted them for hate campaigns, singling out individuals for their attention and treatment." Marcus sighs and it looks like he is fighting back tears or anger.

  "Jo, we cannot allow Lizzie to be exposed to the hatred she is embracing. You know, don't you, that I'll have to talk to mum and dad and let them know why we won't be round their house when Millie and Robert are there. I'll also be telling them of her membership in both of these groups while she lived in the U.S. Quite...unloving of a minister who is supposed to love her flock, is it not?"

  Our discussion brings tears to my eyes. The reality of what we are dealing with is so different from what I had imagined! I so wanted to meet Millie and get to know her, establish a sister-to-sister relationship. But that will not be happening. From her attitudes and what she's said in the past, I know she may pose a danger to me and the band.

  After wiping tears from my eyes, I look at Marcus.

  "I want to be there when you tell your parents why we will not be there very much," I tell him.

  He looks at me, and I see the worry in his eyes. He's worrying that I cannot handle the conversation or the topic.

  "Okay. Only because her attitudes
affect you so very much. You have worked so hard to get where you are in your career, Johanna. I want you to know that I recognize that."

  "Yes. I knew back in primary school that I wanted to immerse myself in music, sing and perform. Mum and dad got me into the Queen's School, and from there, I went to university. I was close to graduation when I auditioned for The Lonely Lovers, and, even then, they took only the best. Back then, of course, the group weren't as well-known as it is today - it took a lot of hard work and practice for us to get to where we are. It's sad that Millie's attitudes are threatening all that we have achieved, but Marcus, please know - I do not blame you, not one whit."

  "I know, luv. No worries. I'm just so sorry that my sister is causing you so much pain."

  We hug and go to bed. I am too depressed to make love, so we simply cuddle until we fall asleep - which, for me, takes a few hours.

  Chapter 5

  The topic wears heavily on my mind for the next several days. Marcus and I decide to ask my mum and dad to take care of Lizzie so we can visit Ruby and Andrew - on a night when we are positive that Millie and Robert will not be there. Marcus learns that Millie will be busy with membership activities at her church.

  Marcus is very serious when we drop round his parents' home.

  "Mum, dad, have you noticed a change in Millie's attitudes and beliefs since she has returned to England?"

  Andrew is silent for several long seconds.

  "I have. She's very...rough...with certain groups and members of those groups."

  "Marcus, I hadn't noticed any change. Are you sure?" Ruby asks, her voice growing with concern.

  I say,"Mum, I was getting dessert for Lizzie and me. The bowl was directly behind Millie. I overheard her calling me a slut. Marcus heard her, too."

  Ruby is understandably shocked. After all, her oldest child has essentially changed, becoming someone her family cannot recognize.

  "My God! Jo, darling, I am so, so sorry! Millie...well, she used to be so much more accepting of other groups. Now...well..." Her voice fades into nothingness.

  Marcus has brought several printouts that he stashed in his computer bag.

  "I want to show both of you what I found out about her memberships and activities while she was in the United States." He gives them the solid proof that Millie has been involved in a group that singled out several minority groups, then targeted individuals from those groups for hateful treatment. He also shows them the roster that shows Millie has been involved in a political group that did the same.

  "My God!" This comes from Andrew. It is clear that this is the first they have known about Millie's affiliations and activities.

  "Mum, dad, she is expressing the belief that artists are to be dismissed and not given grants or other support; that immigrants are to be shipped back to their countries of origin; that lesbians, gays and the transgendered are to be fought politically at every step. I don't know if she got involved in the political arm of this group, but just hearing her say these things makes me realize that I don't want Lizzie - or any other children we might have - around her," says Marcus.

  I step in here."I want to let you and Andrew know that you are more than welcome round our house whenever we are at home. We want the two of you to continue a close relationship with Lizzie."

  Ruby begins to cry at this point, expressing her gratitude that we will continue to welcome them.

  To make my point, I ask Ruby if she has expressed any of the extreme views that Millie has expressed.

  Ruby shakes her head, "No."

  I smile at her and assure her that they are very much welcome round our home!

  Over the next few weeks, I begin to feel very tired during the day. I realize that the tiredness is there even when I have slept well the night before. I notice another sign - Marcus, Lizzie and I are walking past a fish and chip shop and the smell of the oil they use to cook the food puts me off my food. I don't get sick - I just feel "off."

  After two weeks of this, Marcus looks at me.

  "Luv, I think you're pregnant."

  "But I'm not having morning sickness!" I say.

  "Does that matter? You're sleepy and, when we passed that fish and chips shop a few days ago, I noticed that you had turned a lovely shade of pale green. You don't normally do that, so I'm guessing you're pregnant!"

  "Hmmm, hadn't thought of it that way. That's fast work if I am!" I smile in excitement, then yawn widely. "I guess I need to get a pregnancy test!"

  Marcus grins back at me and heats water for tea.

  "Hot tea for you. Practice and, when we get home tonight, I'll take care of Lizzie's bath and you get to sleep early."

  "Tempting! But I like bathing her, too!"

  "Let's do this. If you're not keeling over by Lizzie's bath time, you can bathe her. If you are, you're going right to bed," Marcus promises. He must know something I don't.

  That evening, it's all I can do to keep my eyes open as we eat. Plus, when I get up, I'm overwhelmed with dizziness and an attack of nausea. I clap my hand over my mouth.

  "Upstairs. Bed. Loo, if you need it. I'll take care of Lizzie. Go," Marcus orders.

  I don't argue. Instead, I scurry upstairs and sit on the side of the tub with my head lowered. It takes me several minutes to get back to normal - or what passes for normal for me in this condition. I brush my teeth and yawn again.

  "Oy. Bed," I mutter to myself.

  Less than one hour later, I feel a small hand patting my cheek and I come awake.

  "Mummy? Mummy?"

  "Oh, my luv. Mummy's just very tired. Come here and give me a sweet kiss and daddy will take you to bed," I murmur to Lizzie.

  Lizzie lays her head down on my pillow and kisses the tip of my nose.

  "Night, night, mummy." I hear Lizzie's little voice as if through a long tunnel.

  "Night, night, Lizzie. I love..."

  Several minutes later, I feel Marcus's side of the bed dip down as he brushes my hair back.

  "Yup, Johanna, I think you're pregnant. You don't normally zonk out like this," Marcus says quietly.

  My hand moves to my abdomen and I cup it protectively.

  "I'll buy a pregnancy test tomorrow, and depending on the results, call my midwife to find out for sure," I tell Marcus. I stretch, still feeling very sleepy.

  "Good. I hope you'll make sure that what you eat is good for our little junior in there."

  "I am already. Err on the side of..." Once again, I yawn.

  The next afternoon, Marcus stops in an apothecary parking lot so I can buy a pregnancy test. He waits outside with Lizzie, who is playing in her car seat in the back of the vehicle. I yawn as I get into the car, and Marcus smiles knowingly.

  "You're happy, especially if I am, aren't you?" I twist back and look at Lizzie, contentedly playing with small toys we stash into her nappy-bag.

  After dinner, I contend with another wave of nausea. Okay, so maybe, if I am pregnant, I'll be dealing with nausea. As long as it doesn't get as bad as what I experienced in the United States, I am fine with that! After I bathe my little girl, I help her brush her teeth, read her a night time story and tuck her into her crib - which might just be handed down to a little brother or sister!

  Marcus comes upstairs and Lizzie and I are giggling at each other, and he's holding the apothecary bag, which he waves at me.

  "Okay, but I want to finish giving Lizzie loves," I tell him.

  Marcus joins in on the fun, then, we bid Lizzie good night. He takes my hand and draws me to the bathroom.

  Taking the package, I read the instructions carefully and follow them to a "T." While I wait, I invite Marcus in to share the tension and nervousness with me.

  He times the pregnancy test, peering at his watch, which has a second sweep hand. After the prescribed amount of time is up, we look at the results - I am definitely pregnant again! The line is a bright, strong blue.

  "I'll call Gwen tomorrow before we leave for practice," I tell him. My words are slightly muffled, because
Marcus is pressing me so tightly to him.

  "I'm sorry, what was that?" he asks.

  I pull away just slightly and repeat myself. "I'm going to call the midwife. Gwen. Make an appointment."

  "Good. I just want to know that you are taking care of yourself straight through. We didn't know until after you hit four months that you were expecting Lizzie, so it's time to start taking care of yourself," he says.

  "I must be only a few weeks along. I've only been feeling exhausted for a while now. Knock on wood that I won't have the same level of morning sickness I had before!"

  "You know, I don't think it will be such a big problem for you this time round," Marcus says thoughtfully.

  "Why?"

  "We were in the United States during the summer. Heat got to you and made you dreadfully ill. It's summer here, but the heat is much less intense," he says.

  "I hope you're right."

  "About Millie," said Marcus hesitantly.

  "Go on."

  "You know what she'll say when she learns we're to become parents again."

  "'Order a paternity test! The slut has struck again! That kid's not yours!'" I bellow. "Yes. Can we wait until we have to announce it to her? I'd like time to come up with some really snappy rebuttals to her hatred."

  "I'm fine with that, and I'm glad you're able to exercise such a good sense of humor about it," Marcus says.

  "If I didn't have that, Marcus, I'd be a quivering, weeping blob on the ground. I know I'm honest and faithful to you. You know that, as well. What else can I do? She's...forgive me, but she's a flamin' idiot."